**TRIGGER WARNING: Perinatal depression, anxiety, mom-guilt**
Infant sleep hygiene is such a touchy subject because of the cognitive dissonance it incites. As a self-professed gentle parent, I feel like I should always walk the talk, but in all honesty, as a person who experienced severe perinatal mood disorders, there were times I had to prioritize my values, and yes, this led to some cry-it-out. I believed what my maternal instincts were telling me, but I had to do what I did to keep myself and my family safe. I’m sure most mothers are not quite as perfect as they’d like to be, so I’m just trying to make the point that knowledge is power. Know better, and do better when you can. Sometimes the best you can do is make a compromise until you find a better solution, with infant sleep and other parenting choices, knowing is half the battle, figuring out how to make it work for you and your family is the rest of it.
When you have to walk away
Sometimes your baby will cry. Sometimes it is something you might be able to figure out if you were in a normal state of mind, but in the all-consuming fog that is depression, the simple answer just isn’t coming to you. If you find you’re at the end of your rope and you and your babe are just ratcheting up each other’s anxiety, step away for a few minutes. Do some deep breathing, singing, jumping jacks, whatever it is you need to do to remind yourself this is not your fault. And more importantly, this is not the baby’s fault. It sounds terrible, but I am sure I am not the only one who has had the fleeting thought that the baby is trying to punish me for being a bad mother. For the longest time, when my baby got upset I could hear in her cries the accusation “you’re not good enough!” With cognitive behavioral therapy I learned coping skills that helped me to immediately recognize these “hot thoughts” and replace them with more rational ones. In the interim, the best choice for me was to take a moment and collect myself before my raging emotions ran away with me and I did something destructive.
When the Attachment Parent becomes detached
It’s long been a coping mechanism for me to detach from my emotions when my anxiety got to be too much. Having a newborn/infant/toddler does not allow for a whole lot of detachment. By their very nature they require conscious connection to learn their value and worth and how to regulate strong emotions and so much more. For a long time, I was not able to provide this. After my daughter was born, in the throes of PTSD, including frequent panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, etc, I became an expert at playing Candy Crush on my phone. It was a crutch, admittedly, but a crutch I direly needed to keep myself and my children safe. Again, through therapy and education I learned the value of taking a time out, even just for 5 minutes to regulate my emotions. Better regulated, I could return to my children and be my whole, imperfect self and seek their forgiveness. Children are incredibly flexible, if you give them the benefit of allowing them to see you in your honest and open state. Sometimes coming to them and just saying “mommy’s hurting right now, I need your love and patience” made a world of a difference. My 3 year old in particular is exceptionally sensitive and empathetic, and allowing him in (once I’ve had the chance to calm myself to a state where I’m conscious and aware of my emotions) rather than pushing him away when I’m at the end of my rope helps to heal both of us.
Facing and healing the Mom-Guilt
We put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves as mothers to be the best we can possibly be. What that looks like varies from person to person, but suffice it to say, we all do our best for our children. Except when we don’t. Sometimes we have bad days, and with postnatal depression the bad days seem to come more often than not. So how do we forgive ourselves for doing less than what we know to be our best?
Self-care is key. We can’t expect ourselves to perform at the top of our mom-game if we aren’t caring for ourselves first. When we are well, we do well. When we are less than our best, we still do the best we can in the moment. The first and most important self-care I do is letting go of yesterday and focussing on what I can do for my family today. Recognize if it is less than what they truly need, and then ask for help. If there are a few days in a row where I’m lagging, I ask my husband for help in pointing this out in a compassionate way so I can examine my recent self-care habits to see if there is anything I can change. Sometimes it’s as simple as going to bed an hour or two earlier for a couple nights so I can catch up on some sleep.
Self-Care activities to try
Go to bed an hour earlier. Get out once per week without the kid(s) for an hour or two to get a latte and a manicure, or a massage, or just read a book at the park. Wear ear plugs and a sleep mask to bed. Download some self-hypnosis scripts for aiding in relaxation and improving outlook and optimism. Chat with a friend. Turn on some happy music and have a dance party with the kids. Get in the bath with the kids and let them pour water on your head and giggle. Go for a walk in the park, get surrounded by trees or feel the ocean breeze. Take a yoga class or put on an exercise DVD. Drink lots of water. Journal your feelings. Find friends with whom you can share all your fears, emotions and insecurities. Develop a ritual to Let. Them. Go. Practice breathing exercises. Meditate. Give yourself the opportunity to be vulnerable, it will heal you more than you can realize.
I promise once you have set aside the time a few days a week to practice some self-care, parenting the way you want will come easier.
If you feel that you are suffering from a perinatal mood disorder (depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD) please reach out to your health care practitioner for help and guidance to set up a treatment program that will work for you.
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